11/20/2015(remember these are all back dated journal entries)
Running Total: $16,812*
Its been a month now since we found out our fresh round of IVF failed. I still have bruises……all over my stomach, my thigh and my bum from the multiple shots my husband and I performed on me. The bruises are daily reminders of what we don’t have. What didn’t work. How much money we spent.
How I wish we could go back to the awful progesterone injections. How somehow that would magically make a baby appear.
I am still very angry. They say that anger is one of the stages of grief but I’m not sure where it stems from. I can be thankful that my anger doesn’t spread throughout the household or to others. Though I’m sure it’s not great to hold it all in.
How stupid was I to think this would be so easy. I did the research. I knew the odds. Maybe thought I wasn’t part of those statistics because I’ve already conceived, carried and delivered 3 healthy baby’s. Just put the eggs in and then we’ll be good right? “Proven fertility” is a term the Dr. had used once.
On October 27th Jason and I walked into the IVF clinic to have our “WTF” appointment. Just in case you don’t know that acronym, WTF stands for WHAT THE FUCK! Yes it needs the bold, capital, “shouty” letters with an exclamation point….thats how you say it. LOL. Anyways, this is the appointment where we go talk with the Dr. about what happened, what went wrong, why this didn’t work. This is where we get our answers.
After being at the office almost daily for weeks walking in was so scary to me. All these people who grew to know me. Who hoped and prayed this would all work; they all know it failed. Will they be looking at me with their sad eyes? Will they talk to me or say how “sorry they are”?….I can barely handle being here without crying let alone handle any of that.
Our hour appt with the Dr. was almost pointless. I cried the entire time. Everyone (again) is so “surprised” we weren’t on the other side. (insert my angry face) He has no answers that I was looking for, there ARE no answers. Oh wait..sorry the answer is “sometimes it just doesn’t work out and we don’t know why”. Not really what you’re looking for when you show up with so many questions.
We talk about whats next. About our frozen embryos, how a frozen cycle works, the cost, the meds, schedule, etc. Thats our next move and we still have 4 great quality eggs on ice. The Dr is very hopeful, all I feel is doubt.
After we leave Jason and I discuss what we would like to do with our next round. I still need some time to get my head back into thinking positivly instead of thinking that “none of those dumb eggs will work either“. We also have the holidays and since our failed round I’ve buried myself in work. Its been a nice distraction from everything, though being crazy with work eventually turns bad. Work piles up, I neglect my family to hide away and edit and stress goes to an all new level! *sigh*
- FREE (it damn well should be)
Until next time!
Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF
Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order: