5/31/2016 This is it…

5/31/2016 (remember these are all back dated journal entries)

Running Total: $22,230*

After a rocky few days of ovulating when I shouldn’t and not being able to do our trigger shot we finally got our last two embryos transferred and safe and sound in my uterus.

Save the best for last right!

This is it!

This HAS to be it!

 

DAY 1 POST 5 DAY TRANSFER (1DP5DT)

Day 1, annoyingly enough does not start counting until the day after the embryo transfer.

I had talked about it before but we did in fact decide to do a different, modified bed rest. My office does a very strict 4 day bed rest while the rest of the country and overseas fertility offices do a variation of 1-2 days if ANY bed rest at all! I decided on 2 days bed rest and light duty for the other 2.

Today I just relaxed around the house, stayed in bed mostly but still got some slow movement in to aid in blood flow.

Yes, I discuss this with the Dr and no he didn’t agree but after hours and hours of research and hearing first hand from other IVF board moms we decided to still go against Dr’s orders. (For more reasons why click here to read that post)

No symptoms today, though that is to be expected. Apparently Day 1 after a 5 day transfer (we froze our eggs at 5 days) the embryos should be hatching out of their shell/eggs.

2DP5DT (2 DAYS POST 5 DAY TRANSFER)

At this point our eggs should start to attach themselves to a spot on my uterus wall.

I have been feeling some twinges and mild cramping, these are good signs! Twinges or cramping can be a sign of the eggs attaching or implanting. 🙂 Happy Dance!!!

On my own modified bed rest schedule today again. I am up and moving and of coarse we have our sons Baseball Jamboree! This is an all day (basically) event and I’m supposed to be normal but take it easy. This is turning out to be so much more difficult than I expected.

I know those babies are in there and in the back of mind I hear the Dr scolding me for not being in bed. Yet our bed rests before I  missed so many events and lost time and none of those transferred worked. “This is fine”…right?

I sit in my green camping chair that my husband carried out and set up for me and I don’t move around too much. All the while dealing with the constant battle in my head…”Dr’s order’s” vs my research and our decision. UGH! I hope this was the right choice!

3DP5DT (you should get it by now, LOL)

Happy Mother’s Day to me!

Baby(s) should be starting to really implant by now. I’m still having those twinge pains!!! At this point having those are so reassuring to me!

“This may be working!”

4DP5DT

Embryos are still implanting and burrowing (hopefully) deeper into my lining!

No more twinges, a few mild cramps here and there.

But the craziest symptom yet…. dry mouth with a penny type taste.

YES! That is a symptom! Its called dysgeusia and I HAVE IT!!!! I didn’t have this at all with any of the other transfers! Something so off the charts new has to be a good sign!

5DP5DT

By now the baby(s) should be fully implanted!

I’m waiting to test…though the will power is fading fast!

I still taste pennies! YAY!!!!

6DP5DT-7DP5DT

IF baby(s) implanted and are still progressing they should start to release HCG into my system and I should be able to start testing now! Though its still early and I tell myself to not get my hopes up, we should be seeing a positive (hopefully) pregnancy test any day!

8DP5DT

I test…

And I swear I see a line…like a line line not some imaginary “line eye” line. Like a freaking LINE!

Even my best friend sees it, the neighbor. Other people see a LINE! Its faint but its there. And my best friend would NEVER tell me she sees something if she wasn’t absolutely  sure she sees it.

I drive over to her house later that day and in the day light….any kind of light… its become a very iffy looking line.

Of coarse it does. If it were truly there it wouldn’t disappear.

BUT its still early…well…. thats what I tell myself anyways.

9DP5DT

I test….

And nothing.

Doubt and fear start to seep in.

10DP5DT

Another negative test, a pink line frer test.

Another negative blue line test.

And another negative digital test.

Torn apart and all those puppies are still stark white. Blaring “NEGATIVE”!!!

My Beta is tomorrow and I can’t bare going back to the office, so I call and make up some lame excuse why I can’t come in and ask to have the local lab in town draw my blood instead.

BETA DAY

I’m not sure whats worse, the hopeful looks from the lady checking me in and the lab tech in town or walking into the fertility office again for yet another negative beta.

My husband doesn’t rush home this time, he knows based off my vibe and all the test in the trash that this cycle is no longer hopeful.

Why hurry home to hear the inevitable news?

And yet again we get the same sad voice across the voicemail:

“Unfortunately your pregnancy test came back NEGATIVE….”

“Negative'”

“FUCKING NEGATIVE”

Again and again and again….

 

Though I almost expect what I’ll hear, I know her tone of voice and I think I’ve prepared to hear it you still have that teny tiny shred of hope.

Every single time it hurts just as bad as the first.

6 eggs….SIX….great quality eggs and none of them fucking worked!!!

SIX of them, already fertilized. Already hatching. Already place INTO my uterus.

 

And again I cry.

.

.

.

Was thinking or “knowing” none of these eggs would work after the first failed round intuition or negative thinking? Did I jinx us by saying “none of these eggs would work”?

.

.

.

WTF APPT

Most of my tears were replaced by anger and confusion.

Now knowing how these appts go I no longer dwell on the “whys”, “whats” or “how comes” and we move straight onto whats next. What are our options? And “do we….CAN we keep doing this?”

Which of coarse none are good or what we want to hear.

Should I really be surprised? How stupid were we to think this would all be SO easy.

 

~Nope, not pregnant…Bree

 

Appointment totals:

  1. $121.00 Ultrasound
  2. $1,119.00 Frozen Transfer
  3. $260.00 Acupuncture
  4. $0.00 WTF Appt….it damn well should be free!

Total: $1,500.00

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF, Q & A with Me

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/18/15 2WW Woes
  11. 10/22/15 BETA Day
  12. 11/20/15 Finding Distractions
  13. 1/28/2016 Eggs on Ice
  14. 2/28/16 Transfer #2
  15. 3/3/2016 A big “F”ET!
  16. 3/14/2016 What are we missing?
  17. 3/28/16 Natural FET a GO?
  18. 4/28/16 Gearing up… AGAIN

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