5/31/2016 This is it…

5/31/2016 (remember these are all back dated journal entries)

Running Total: $22,230*

After a rocky few days of ovulating when I shouldn’t and not being able to do our trigger shot we finally got our last two embryos transferred and safe and sound in my uterus.

Save the best for last right!

This is it!

This HAS to be it!

 

DAY 1 POST 5 DAY TRANSFER (1DP5DT)

Day 1, annoyingly enough does not start counting until the day after the embryo transfer.

I had talked about it before but we did in fact decide to do a different, modified bed rest. My office does a very strict 4 day bed rest while the rest of the country and overseas fertility offices do a variation of 1-2 days if ANY bed rest at all! I decided on 2 days bed rest and light duty for the other 2.

Today I just relaxed around the house, stayed in bed mostly but still got some slow movement in to aid in blood flow.

Yes, I discuss this with the Dr and no he didn’t agree but after hours and hours of research and hearing first hand from other IVF board moms we decided to still go against Dr’s orders. (For more reasons why click here to read that post)

No symptoms today, though that is to be expected. Apparently Day 1 after a 5 day transfer (we froze our eggs at 5 days) the embryos should be hatching out of their shell/eggs.

2DP5DT (2 DAYS POST 5 DAY TRANSFER)

At this point our eggs should start to attach themselves to a spot on my uterus wall.

I have been feeling some twinges and mild cramping, these are good signs! Twinges or cramping can be a sign of the eggs attaching or implanting. 🙂 Happy Dance!!!

On my own modified bed rest schedule today again. I am up and moving and of coarse we have our sons Baseball Jamboree! This is an all day (basically) event and I’m supposed to be normal but take it easy. This is turning out to be so much more difficult than I expected.

I know those babies are in there and in the back of mind I hear the Dr scolding me for not being in bed. Yet our bed rests before I  missed so many events and lost time and none of those transferred worked. “This is fine”…right?

I sit in my green camping chair that my husband carried out and set up for me and I don’t move around too much. All the while dealing with the constant battle in my head…”Dr’s order’s” vs my research and our decision. UGH! I hope this was the right choice!

3DP5DT (you should get it by now, LOL)

Happy Mother’s Day to me!

Baby(s) should be starting to really implant by now. I’m still having those twinge pains!!! At this point having those are so reassuring to me!

“This may be working!”

4DP5DT

Embryos are still implanting and burrowing (hopefully) deeper into my lining!

No more twinges, a few mild cramps here and there.

But the craziest symptom yet…. dry mouth with a penny type taste.

YES! That is a symptom! Its called dysgeusia and I HAVE IT!!!! I didn’t have this at all with any of the other transfers! Something so off the charts new has to be a good sign!

5DP5DT

By now the baby(s) should be fully implanted!

I’m waiting to test…though the will power is fading fast!

I still taste pennies! YAY!!!!

6DP5DT-7DP5DT

IF baby(s) implanted and are still progressing they should start to release HCG into my system and I should be able to start testing now! Though its still early and I tell myself to not get my hopes up, we should be seeing a positive (hopefully) pregnancy test any day!

8DP5DT

I test…

And I swear I see a line…like a line line not some imaginary “line eye” line. Like a freaking LINE!

Even my best friend sees it, the neighbor. Other people see a LINE! Its faint but its there. And my best friend would NEVER tell me she sees something if she wasn’t absolutely  sure she sees it.

I drive over to her house later that day and in the day light….any kind of light… its become a very iffy looking line.

Of coarse it does. If it were truly there it wouldn’t disappear.

BUT its still early…well…. thats what I tell myself anyways.

9DP5DT

I test….

And nothing.

Doubt and fear start to seep in.

10DP5DT

Another negative test, a pink line frer test.

Another negative blue line test.

And another negative digital test.

Torn apart and all those puppies are still stark white. Blaring “NEGATIVE”!!!

My Beta is tomorrow and I can’t bare going back to the office, so I call and make up some lame excuse why I can’t come in and ask to have the local lab in town draw my blood instead.

BETA DAY

I’m not sure whats worse, the hopeful looks from the lady checking me in and the lab tech in town or walking into the fertility office again for yet another negative beta.

My husband doesn’t rush home this time, he knows based off my vibe and all the test in the trash that this cycle is no longer hopeful.

Why hurry home to hear the inevitable news?

And yet again we get the same sad voice across the voicemail:

“Unfortunately your pregnancy test came back NEGATIVE….”

“Negative'”

“FUCKING NEGATIVE”

Again and again and again….

 

Though I almost expect what I’ll hear, I know her tone of voice and I think I’ve prepared to hear it you still have that teny tiny shred of hope.

Every single time it hurts just as bad as the first.

6 eggs….SIX….great quality eggs and none of them fucking worked!!!

SIX of them, already fertilized. Already hatching. Already place INTO my uterus.

 

And again I cry.

.

.

.

Was thinking or “knowing” none of these eggs would work after the first failed round intuition or negative thinking? Did I jinx us by saying “none of these eggs would work”?

.

.

.

WTF APPT

Most of my tears were replaced by anger and confusion.

Now knowing how these appts go I no longer dwell on the “whys”, “whats” or “how comes” and we move straight onto whats next. What are our options? And “do we….CAN we keep doing this?”

Which of coarse none are good or what we want to hear.

Should I really be surprised? How stupid were we to think this would all be SO easy.

 

~Nope, not pregnant…Bree

 

Appointment totals:

  1. $121.00 Ultrasound
  2. $1,119.00 Frozen Transfer
  3. $260.00 Acupuncture
  4. $0.00 WTF Appt….it damn well should be free!

Total: $1,500.00

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF, Q & A with Me

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/18/15 2WW Woes
  11. 10/22/15 BETA Day
  12. 11/20/15 Finding Distractions
  13. 1/28/2016 Eggs on Ice
  14. 2/28/16 Transfer #2
  15. 3/3/2016 A big “F”ET!
  16. 3/14/2016 What are we missing?
  17. 3/28/16 Natural FET a GO?
  18. 4/28/16 Gearing up… AGAIN

4/28/16 Gearing up… AGAIN

4/28/2016 (remember these are all back dated journal entries)

Running Total: $20,730*

We last left the office with nothing…kind of seems to be a theme here huh?

Our failed attempt at a natural FET cycle was canceled. My lining had such high hopes and then failed miserably where it counted most.

Who knows why my lining started to sluff off, I started my period on “time-ish” so it wasn’t me started my period early.

The hopes of a total natural cycle squashed, we could possibly try and try again but we’ve already been into this journey for almost 9 months and I’m ready to be pregnant. Those eggs will be happier in my uterus.

Bound and determined to not let this, out of all the things and ALL the bad news we’ve gotten, THIS will not be another undoing. I let myself be sad, angry, whatever for a couple of days and then I moved on.

THE NEW PLAN

We’ll be doing a “supplemented version” of a natural FET.

I’ll supplement with estrogen starting on Day 10 of my cycle. This added estrogen will help with my lining and hopefully will kick it up the little bit we need to be able to do our transfer this cycle.

Day 1….always comes as a “friendly” reminder that we yet again aren’t pregnant.

Day 10….a routine ultrasound. I already have that triple lining look, this is great. My lining is only at a 1.7, which means its a total thickness of 3.4mm. Remember we need an 8 or more.

Today I started supplemented estrogen which oddly enough is the same thing as your everyday normal birth control pill, just a much different dosage.

More acupuncture. More supplements. More teas, and warm liquids…more of all the weird things HA! Though I’ve added in avocados, newer research shows that avocados in your diet…alot of them, can up yours odds while doing IVF.

Day 15…Yet another ultrasound. My lining is at an impressive 4.3, total lining of 8.6!!!

*sigh* (this time of relief) we’ve made it to an 8mm lining people! A freakin’ 8! 8! We have an 8MM lining!!! Ekk!!! Finally some good news!

Day 17…I was supposed to go in today and be monitored one more time before we scheduled my trigger shot. But my body randomly deiced to show a positive ovulation test. We didn’t really want to see this but it’s also not really bad news.

Day 18…Ultrasound appt today, my lining annoyingly has stayed at a 4.3, total lining thickness of 8.6mm but its still an 8! It should be more but I don’t care…we can transfer.

We scheduled the transfer for 5/5/16. For now I go home and start those awful progesterone shots and my prednisone.

All we can do now it hope that my lining stays and in 4 days we have a successful frozen embryo transfer.

Fingers Crossed!

~Bree

Appointment totals:

  1. Acupuncture: $195.00
  2. Ultrasounds: $363.00

Total: $558.00

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF, Q & A with Me

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/18/15 2WW Woes
  11. 10/22/15 BETA Day
  12. 11/20/15 Finding Distractions
  13. 1/28/2016 Eggs on Ice
  14. 2/28/16 Transfer #2
  15. 3/3/2016 A big “F”ET!
  16. 3/14/2016 What are we missing?
  17. 3/28/16 Natural FET a GO?

 

 

3/28/16 Natural FET a GO?

3/ 28 /2016(remember these are all back dated journal entries)

Running Total: $20,172*

(insert heavy sarcasm) “YAY…..look who’s $20,000 richer!?!?!….not f**king us thats for sure!”

As you can see our Running Total hit the 20k mark…..no we are not rich.

You don’t walk into this whole thing knowing its going to be over $20,000. You start by them giving you a number like $5,900….then you decide “ya, we can make that work”. Well thats how it starts and then you have one failed round and it spirals out of control. (Blog Post of the Financial Breakdown of IVF to come soon)

Since our last appt we have decided to do a Natural Frozen Embryo Transfer. Our reasonings behind deciding to try a natural fet was because I have had prove fertility with the other kids. Our hopes are that maybe my body will function better naturally and with a more hands off, natural approach. And just maybe we will have a final, successful transfer and those last 2 embryos will stick around.

No hormone injections, no extra drugs. Just me letting my body do things naturally.

Cycle Day 1 (3/8/16) I started my period late as usual.

Cycle Day 1 is the start of your Menstrual Phase (cycle days 1-5)…aka you period…we should all know this. What is this phase actually for though? This is where you are shedding your lining that your uterus had built up in anticipation for an embryo (baby). No Baby implanted so the lining is no longer needed.

Also during this time what is called your Follicular Phase (cycle days 1-13) also gears up. This is the phase where your body starts to grow eggs. After your period is finished your body doesn’t miss a beat and it starts to grow your lining back up in preparation for another egg. No down time for your hard working uterus!

As your follicles grow bigger, the one (usually) that is bigger decides it will be THE one to grow your egg and prepare it for ovulation.

During this time I don’t need to do anything special at the office. I’ll keep up with my vitamins and supplements, I’m drinking my tea, keeping my feet, core and uterus warm and when I can, get into see the acupuncturist. All of this in hopes for growing a nice thick, defined, luscious lining.

Towards the end of the follicular phase I will start testing for a possible LH (luteinizing hormone) surge. Also called taking an “ovulation test”.

I purchased the more expensive digital ones because I need to be very specific timing wise on when I ovulate. There are others, mush less in cost, that you can use. The less expensive ones leave more room for interpretation and its sometimes hard to pin point exactly when you ovulated.

Cycle Day 14 ( 3/21/16) I went into the office for a base scan to see how my lining is doing. So far its just “ok”, its measuring at about 2.5 on each side so a total thickness of 5mm. I already have what they call a “triple” line pattern visually on the ultrasound. This means its a well defined, good looking lining basically…lol.

We still have a good handful of days and as my follicles grow larger it’ll release more estrogen making my lining thicker and thicker.

The average woman would ovulate around this time. I on the other hand have irregular and sometimes very long cycles so we don’t anticipate me to ovulate for a good week still. Plenty enough time to let my lining grow more!

Cycle Day 15 (3/22/16) I started using the ovulation tests.

If your an average woman you would have ovulated about now and started your Luteal Phase (cycle day 15-28). Your luteal phase is very important.

During this phase your egg has been released from your ovary (day 14) and is now in your fallopian tube. The egg will stay in your tube for about 24 hours and IF your trying to conceive, needs to be fertilized during this time. IF the egg is not fertilized within 24 hours the egg starts to deteriorate.

After your hormones from the LH surge have diminished and NO egg has implanted your body will trigger itself to shed the lining and restart the process to baby all over again.

IF your egg was fertilized it will continue out of the fallopian tube and into the uterus. There it will find a good place to settle in and implant itself in that nice thick lining your body has worked so hard to grow.

Once the egg has successfully implanted (about 6-12 days after you ovulated) the egg will release hormones into your blood stream called HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin). Once in your blood stream your body will now know your are pregnant and will start releasing more progesterone. Enough progesterone is key to keeping your baby and preventing a miscarriage.

I say this phase is very important because if your Luteal Phase is too short it will start to shed its lining before your baby has fully implanted into your uterus and released HCG. To be able to have a successful pregnancy you need this phase to be between 10-14 days.pysiology-menstrual-luteal-phase

Cycle Day 18 (3/25/16) I went in again for another ultrasound check and blood work. We are just making sure I haven’t ovulated, as well as check my estrogen and progesterone levels. They should be elevated. This will also give me a good idea on how much progesterone I will need to take after they put the eggs back in.

Since we are hoping to do this cycle as natural as possible we are hoping we may not need to supplement my progesterone or if we do hopefully very little.

Todays ultrasound showed my lining is a 3.7mm on each side for a total of 7.4mm. We were hoping for a little more but we did determine I did not ovulate yet! YAY! Hopefully I’ll ovulate in a few days which will hopefully give my lining that extra time it needs to grow to at least an 8 or 9mm. The average woman, conceiving on her own would have a lining of about 7-9mm, sometimes more. During an IVF cycle though they want that lining to be closer to  10-11mm or more in thickness, on average.

Cycle Day 19 (3/26/16) WELL….because my body is dumb and of coarse nothing would work out in our favor I had a positive ovulation test today. That means I should ovulate in the next 24-36 hours.

We were hoping for a few more days.

Since no one was anticipating me to ovulate today both the Dr and Jason and I had to scramble and rearrange our schedules so I could come in last minute for an ultrasound.

Fingers crossed it was enough time to bump my lining into the 8mm thickness range……..

“NOPE…why would anything ever work out for us Bree”! (more heavy sarcasm)

During my ultrasound she measured…and remeasured….and triple checked but my lining had gone down from 3.7mm on each side to 3.1mm on each side…..for a total lining of 6.2mm in thickness.

*sigh*

I knew what would happen. I was already crying after I saw the first measurements so we just talked in the ultrasound room this time…prob so I could leave out the back door in tears without being seen.

Cycle is canceled.

No transfer this month.

Yet another month goes by of waiting.

Another month with no baby.

We started this journey with a Due date of July 2016, then November 2016 and now we won’t have a baby until sometime in 2017.

It just never really ends.

~Bree and her lame, dumb freaking uterus

After Today’s Appt (3/21/16):

  1. $121.00 Ultrasound

After Todays’ Appt (3/25/16):

  1. $121.00 Ultrasound
  2. $14.00 Blood work
  3. $111.00 Labs

After Today’s Appt (3/26/16):

  1. 121.00

Acupuncture Totals:

  1. $130.00 (2 appts)

Totals from all Appts:

  1. $618.00

 

ALL IMAGES THANKS TO MENSTRUPEDIA.COM !

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF, Q & A with Me

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/18/15 2WW Woes
  11. 10/22/15 BETA Day
  12. 11/20/15 Finding Distractions
  13. 1/28/2016 Eggs on Ice
  14. 2/28/16 Transfer #2
  15. 3/3/2016 A big “F”ET!
  16. 3/14/2016 What are we missing?

3/14/2016 What are we missing?

3/14/2016(remember these are all back dated journal entries)

Running Total: $19,554*

17310953_1434896349896373_3685328476757939727_o

Hi.

Ya, it’s me again. Just basically bleeding out from our last failed IVF/FET transfer.

“We got no money, we got no baby….our pets heads are falling off!”…..Sorry…bad joke? Well this all seems to be one stupid, annoying, frustrating joke!

WHY is this not working!

Before we went into yet another WTF appointment to discuss why this isn’t working I dug my head into gallons upon gallons of research. I am not going to sit through another “meeting” where we learn nothing…aka the meeting with the Dr where nothing is answered, I cry through 5 tissue boxes (ok, to be fair they are the tiny, mini sized ones) and we leave hopeless. I want answers, I want tests, I want these last babies to stick! What else can we be doing?

Heres my research and the answers…..or what we we’re left with:

GENETICS

Q: Can we do genetic testing on the remaining eggs?

IF these eggs have genetic issues and thats why it isn’t working we’d rather save some money and go into another cycle.

To be honest with ourselves….yes, I have had proven fertility. BUT it has been with another partner. I hated to say that in front of my husband but it’s a valid question. “Maybe our baby making chromosomes aren’t compatible ?”

A: The answer is yes…we can test the remaining eggs, BUT its very costly to do this after the fact AND our eggs most likely would not survive the testing. We have already froze, thawed and then refroze these last ones AND these are our lower quality eggs. They most likely wouldn’t make another thaw, then freeze and then thaw again for another possible transfer.

Q: Can Jason and I undergo genetic testing and find out that way?

A: Yes, but it wouldn’t be very helpful in this situation…with deciding to use our last eggs or not. And again…it’d be very costly….we’re talking like 4k!

BEDREST

Q: What are your thoughts on a modified, lighter bed rest?

Thanks to a  friend who tipped me off to the idea; that a longer bed rest can actually hinder good implantation. Further research of my own proved her fact to be correct. On average the prescribed amount of bed rest across the country and even over seas is 1-2 days if ANY!  The research states that the natural shape of the uterus and the cervix while in the standing position can be more functional to “cradling” the embryos as well as the blood flow from the movement and not being stuck in bed does a huge part in adding to good circulation to the uterus in turn helping…not hindering implantation. My office is THE only one in my research that does a 4 DAY bed rest.

17426401_1434896309896377_9064784861918654769_n

A: Their office has always done a 4 day bed rest, and where he went to school he was taught that as well. And he still highly recommends the 4 days.

Side note: I have decided to go against my Dr’s orders and will be doing my own modified bed rest. I’m not sure what that’ll be yet but the research from other RE’s world wide and the stats are all for a lesser bed rest time. Though I won’t be telling the Dr. or nurse staff about my decision. Thank goodness my husband is behind me 100%, its never a comforting feeling to go against what your Dr says….especially when so much is on the line. We both figure, “I’ve done what he recommended not once but twice, neither time worked. We are open to try something new”

MORE TESTING:

Q: Is there any other testing we can do on me before we put babies back in that would possibly change anything.

There are a few different studies out there that have different protocol after the transfer or more testing on my thyroid, etc. Is there anything we haven’t thought of?

A: All of my initial labs looked just fine, but we will perform the normal ones again before the next transfer if you like. The others…you guessed it are very costly and aren’t usually done or reccomended until after the 3rd or 4th failed round. (dumbest thing I’ve ever heard…”lets waste a ton of money, go through crazy emotional ups & downs and THEN do extra testing”)

NATURAL FET

Q: Have you ever done a Natural Frozen Transfer before? Are we good candidates to do that?

A natural FET (frozen embryo transfer…aka where they put the frozen baby(s) in my uterus) is where we don’t do any drugs. No hormone injections. No estrogen pills. No nothing. We just let my body naturally prep for ovulation, once ovulation happens we put the frozen embryos in my uterus as if they were naturally fertilized and came down from my fallopian tubes and settled into my uterus.

My argument for this was since quote “you have proven fertility” per the Dr. Why don’t we let my body naturally try and do its thing? I function very well on no hormones so why not try this the natural path?…well as natural as we can make it at this point while still categorizing what we are doing as “IVF”.

A: YES. (Ummmm hold up…can you repeat that? That was a……yes?) YES! He is fine letting us try and do a Natural FET…well, very close to one. I’d still need to do all the normal “after transfer protocol” like the progesterone, etc. But all leading up to it I can do drugless! *sigh* finally we are getting somewhere! I have one answer I’m happy with!

WHATS NEXT

We also discussed what the future would hold regarding if this last transfer with the last 2 eggs didn’t work. Not that I was wanting to already be a negative nancy but I needed to know what our next options could be IF it didn’t. Personally for me the gap between the failure and not knowing whats next is awful. Just knowing what the plan is next keeps me focused on whats not.

EXTRAS

Things that I didn’t really touch base on with him were my gobbs and gobbs of research on supplements I could be adding in or taking. I do know before when I was doing medicated cycles that Chinese herbs were a no no, but now with the natural cycle every things a go!

Supplements I take or will be taking:

  1. Prenatal (all natural Smarty Pants Brand)
  2. Iron (my prenatal does not have one included)
  3. Vitamin E
  4. B-Complex
  5. Royal Jelly
  6. Coq10
  7. Chinese Herbs
  8. Folic Acid
  9. Raspberry Leaf Tea

Other random things I’ll be adding in or continuing:

  1. Chiropractic
  2. Acupuncture
  3. Drinking Warm Liquids
  4. Eating only warm foods
  5. Juicing
  6. Eating red foods: beets, red peppers, raspberries (these are good “blood” nutrient foods, good for lining)
  7. Eating pineapple core
  8. Pom Juice
  9. Keeping my feet and core warm
  10. Eating Brazil Nuts

Yes….I have boarded the crazy train and long since departed from the station!

We will be going right into another cycle with no time to spare. Instead of doing all the normal monitoring appointments that come with the FET I’ll just do ovulation tests at home starting after my mid cycle ultrasound. Tentatively set for mid March.

I’m so excited to be a little less “hormonal crazy” LOL

 

~B

Appt Yesterday:

  1. FREE

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF, Q & A with Me

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/18/15 2WW Woes
  11. 10/22/15 BETA Day
  12. 11/20/15 Finding Distractions
  13. 1/28/2016 Eggs on Ice
  14. 2/28/16 Transfer #2
  15. 3/3/2016 A big “F”ET!

3/3/2016 A big “F”ET!

3/3/2016(remember these are all back dated journal entries) 

Running Total: $19,654*

Well…..you know how I hadn’t tested in the beginning of the 2ww….ya…..that quickly went out the door and I began testing to make up for the lost time. I’d test in the am, then again in the afternoon….and yes…again that night! HCG slowly adds up over time so you’d def have more in the evening compared to that morning test…right? And this cycle I just have felt so….”pregnant”….I just needed to see one of those tests reflect my feelings.

These were just from one day….no need to give them a look…those puppies are all blank. Stark white. Negative. Nodda. Nothing. BFN.

Even if your still hopeful about the cycle, having negative tests stare you in the face day after day brings you back down to reality. The sorrow starts to sink in.

My BETA blood draw was on 3/2/2016 and by that time I walked into the office hopeless. Knowing it had yet again failed. “None of these eggs are going to work”

I was smart this time and made myself busy during the day so I wasn’t waiting on pins and needles for them to call. I volunteered in class most of the later morning, stayed for lunch at school and just as I got in the van the phone rang. “Can’t run away from them forever Bree”

I still couldn’t bring myself to pick up the call….I let it go to voicemail….again. Deja vu.

We sat….again…and listened….

And just like deja vu, we heard the same damn message as before…”pregnancy test we preformed this morning was negative.” Negative. NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE!

WHY.

WHY isn’t this working….

~Me again…over here not f**king pregnant AGAIN!

Yesterday’s Appt:

  1. $14.00 Blood Draw
  2. $86.00 Labs

Total: $100.00

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/18/15 2WW Woes
  11. 10/22/15 BETA Day
  12. 11/20/15 Finding Distractions
  13. 1/28/2016 Eggs on Ice
  14. 2/28/16 Transfer #2

2/28/16 Transfer #2

2/21/2016(remember these are all back dated journal entries)

Running Total: $19,554*

Alittle differently written style post today….enjoy my timeline of events!!!

1/28/16 Where we left off, my last post! If you missed it click HERE!

Welcome to February…the month of FET!

Monday 2/1/16

  • Today was my second ever acupuncture appt and a full length one too! The last time I was in we went over everything. And I mean everything…well…after we got past my crying that is…Lame Bree Lame! But seeing as it was my ‘New Patent” appt we didn’t get in a full acupuncture session. To say today was relaxing is an understatement! I now don’t go anywhere without recommending acupuncture to everyone!

Tuesday 2/2/16

  • Cycle Day 1, crazy enough…it was basically on time! Hellllllo Aunt Flow!
  • Changed Lupron dose from 10 units to 5 units now. Lupron is the drug/hormone that suppresses the ovaires, so I don’t grow eggs this cycle.

Thursday 2/4/16

  • 7:00 am Dr appt in Tacoma.
  • Follicle and lining check, all looks good!
  • Continue Lupron 5 Units, start 2 mg Estradiol every 12 hours (to add in lining growth)

Monday 2/8/16

  • Another acupuncture appt, I’m now in LOVE!
  • Talked about how my tongue looked….ya i know, weird but it’s an acupuncture/Chinese medicine thing.
  • Now focusing on keeping the core warm. We don’t want any energy being taken from my core and uterus. To add in this I started drinking warm liquids, eating warm “in season foods”, as well as other specific foods items based on tongue appearance.
  • Acupuncture needles are still in the same areas mainly; feet, ankles, lower legs, hands and wrists, face, top of the head and one tummy one.

Wednesday 2/10/16

  • Dr. appt, Ultrasound only
  • Both Ovaries have several small follicles (this is good).
  • Continue 5 Unit Daily Lupron Injections.
  • Up Estradiol to 2 mg every 6 hours.

Saturday 2/13/16

  • Another Dr. appt, Ultrasound Only
  • Both Ovaries still have several small follicles (again this is good)
  • My lining is looking better, measuring about 3.7mm on each side for a total of 7.4. During a normal cycle your uterine lining is about 6-8mm in thickness on average. Though mine should be good I’ve learned that with IVF the “bigger the better” in a sense. So we’ll still keep trudging along!
  • Daily 5 unit Lupron Injections still.
  • Estradiol is now on an “off and on alternating schedule”. Still taking it every 6 hours but amount will be every other; one dose will be 2mg and the next 4mg. More estrogen = thicker lining.

Tuesday 2/16/16

  • Another 7:00am Dr. appt in Tacoma, Ultrasound Only
  • Both Ovaries still have several small follicles (good news)
  • My uterine lining is now 5.0 on each side giving me a total of a 10mm lining…def feeling “full”.
  • I’ll be stopping the Lupron injections now.
  • Estradiol will increase again to 4mg every 6 hours.
  • Begin Prednisone.
  • Begin Progesterone Injections, these are those nasty ones with the huge needle right in the rear that my lovely husband gets to do. Funny thing is…even though its the most painful one I’m so looking forward to what it means and what will hopefully become!
  • SCHEDULED our FET (the embryo transfer…aka where we put baby(s) in appt).

Friday 2/19/16

  • Acupuncture appt.
  • The stress relief from todays appointment was so worth the wait!
  • Talked about positive visualization for Sundays transfer, I’m still struggling to stay on a positive note and not let those memories of our failed cycle seep in.
  • Acupuncture lady put some pressure point beads in my ear and instructed me when and how often to use them. They’ll stay in until after my transfer. Whats crazy???…the resemblance an embryo actually has to your ear and where organs are and the pressure points reflecting those can match up. She kind of blew my mind today.
  • In the picture see the crazy resemblance in shape to where the shape of the head, body and tail of the embryo to the adult ear???

Saturday 2/20/16

  • We bought a carseat….I was still struggling with staying positive and feeling happy thoughts towards our upcoming transfer and you know what happens when you get sucked into Target. The carseat was on sale and it made me HAPPY….so we bought it! HA!
  • On a positive note we’ll be needing this carseat after this cycle!

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Sunday 2/21/16 TRANSFER DAY!!!

  • Before you ask, “No….I didn’t install the carseat” LMAO!!!!
  • What we did do is discuss with the Dr and Embryologist about transferring 2 or 3 eggs in this cycle. This had me nervous because they normal don’t talk about transfering  3 eggs in unless one or more of the eggs are not of good quality or if they wouldn’t make it to freezing again. (For my post about our egg quality click HERE). Our eggs are still great quality…whew!
  • The thing is the more eggs you transfer oddly the better the chances. Not just because your upping your odds by adding another in but the eggs can actually help another egg implant. Like a cheerleading squad in my uterus!
  • Another good point is we are spending a large chunk of change on each transfer and if we add in an egg, we up our chances, we possibly will have a better success rate and this transfer would work….in turn not having to do another transfer…in turn saving that money we would spend on on another transfer and NOT needing the last cycle.
  • THOUGH on many other notes we are talking about transferring 3 eggs in!!!!…….UMMMMM like they could ALL stick around and we now have TRIPLETS! (insert whatever face you please…shock, horror, crying, laughing, etc)
  • If we trasnfered 3 we still have 1 lone egg left…though if we save that 3rd egg for another round we could transfer another even 2 in.
  • What was the deciding factor you ask??? A day or two before we came in, the office had found out that one of their patients (who had decided on 3) found out that all 3 stuck….that doesn’t happen often but the fact it did made everyone nervous.
  • We choose to stay with even numbers and stick with putting 2 little frosty embabies back in.
  • Thawed all 4 eggs, embryologist picked the best 2 and we transferred those in!
  • Refroze our last 2 eggs.
  • Officially PUPO…..again.
  • Home and Bedrest.

Monday 2/22/16 (Day 1 After 5 Transfer)

  • Strict Bedrest.
  • I wasn’t as strict on the last cycle so this time I am going by exactly what Dr says….4 long days in bed, I’m allowed to go pee but other than that back to bed.

Tuesday 2/23/16 (Day 2 After 5 Transfer)

  • Strict Bedrest.

Wednesday 2/24/16 (Day 3 After 5 Transfer)

  • More Bedrest.
  • Still doing the progesterone injections daily.

Thursday 2/25/16 (Day 4 After 5 Transfer)

  • LAST DAY of bed rest! Whaaaaaahooooooo!!!!!!
  • Feeling lots of twinges on one side, this has been really exciting. Hopefully those little eggie(s) are finding a good nice, comfy spot to burrow in!
  • Had an acupuncture appt today, she said my pulse felt “slippery”, I had to google that but its a good sign that we may be pregnant!
  • I haven’t tested at home yet, I’m trying to hold off as long as possible.

Friday 2/26/16 (Day 5 After 5 Transfer)

  • Still haven’t tested…I am amazed at my will power!
  • The count down to my beta has gone down and I have 5 more torturous days! It’s going to drag!

Friday 2/27/16 (Day 6 After 5 Transfer)

  • Nope..I didn’t test yet…aren’t you shocked! But OHHHHH how I want to!
  • Still feeling twinge type cramping, still on the same side. This a good sign that the eggs could be implanting!
  • 4 days left until BETA

Saturday 2/28/16 (Day 7 After 5 Transfer)

  • I went to a baby shower today, I impressed myself….I handled it very well. After our last failed cycle I could barely talk to anyone pregnant without wanting to cry my eyes out. But I KNOW that I have 2 embryos…fully fertilized and placed in my nice, thick lining. I KNOW they are there. Just that thought soothes me. “There are two babies inside me”
  • Broke down after the shower and bought a test. Negative….but it is early and its not going to bother me yet….I just “feel” pregnant! This cycle had to work!

Totals from 2/1-2/21/16 Appts:

  1. $609.00 (US & Blood Work)
  2. $1,099.00 (Frozen Embryo Transfer)
  3. $80.00 (Chiropractic, $40/visit)
  4. $260.00 (Acupuncture, $65/Cash Visit)

Total: $2,048.00

~B

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/18/15 2WW Woes
  11. 10/22/15 BETA Day
  12. 11/20/15 Finding Distractions
  13. 1/28/2016 Eggs on Ice

1/28/2016 Eggs on Ice

1/28/2016(remember these are all back dated journal entries)

Running Total: $17,506*

Its been a long 3 months since our first failed IVF transfer.

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years passed as if on auto pilot.

Sadly I drank a lot….. and I mean a lot of WINE and ate terribly for most of it as well. Sad and depressed but unable to move forward knowing we still had eggs left. The only silver lining…our baby is on ice!

Jason and I decided to do our next round in Feb and we are already planning on doing a back to back round in case the first frozen transfer (FET) doesn’t work we don’t have to discuss anything the Dr’s and Jason and I just know whats next. Not that we aren’t optimistic anymore…..I just think I’ve been knocked down a few pegs.

This wasn’t going to be so easy after all.

Gearing up for our next FET (frozen embyro transfer) I started doing more and more research as to how we can help these little eggies stick this time. You would not believe HOW MUCH is out there. Keep your feet warm at all times, eat crazy things, drink and eat only warm foods, meditate, the list goes on and on and on…..and ON!

I’ve started to eat healthier, cut out alcohol and cut down on sugars as well as started Chiropractic and Acupuncture. Acupuncture is even recognized by the Dr’s to hugely improve chances and is highly recommended!

Surprisingly I had always thought acupuncture was weird and terrifying because of ALL those needles! But after injecting yourself in the stomach, thigh and buttocks repeatedly with who knows what you really don’t have a fear of needles anymore LOL! Bring on ALL the needles!

The difference between what we did before, called a fresh IVF cycle, and now is they don’t need to harvest the eggs. No injections to stimulate egg growth. This time I’ll take hormone injections to suppress my ovaries so they don’t grow eggs while also taking more meds to grow and thicken my uterin lining.

Talk about shoving my body through crazy hormonal swings. “Grow all the eggs…Now STOP growing eggs!”

I’ll also take meds to suppress my body from ovulating so we can make sure my lining is fully ready. When the time is right they will thaw the eggs and place 1-2 back into my uterus. After that, the process stays the same. Same progesterone shots to tell my body I am pregnant, the same steroids to make sure my body doesn’t try and attack the egg(s), etc.

I went into the RE’s (reproductive endocrinologist..aka the IVF/Fertility Dr.) yesterday for my baseline monitoring ultrasound. I haven’t been back here since our “WTF” appt and even though I should be excited I just feel sad.

I wonder how many times we’ll walk through these doors, how many times other woman have walked through these doors. Is there ever a visit where instead of tears theres joy and relief and happiness?

I still can’t shake the feeling that none of this will work. “If it didn’t work the first time, it’s never going to work” perspective. I know I need to have a positive mind, positive outlook, “think baby”….but I’m finding it’s just SO hard to do.

I leave the office with instructions to start my lupron injections today. I’ll be injecting 10 units per day into my stomach until I hit cycle day 1 and then I get to drop it down to 5 units. Hoping that cycle day 1 is here within the week but with my irregular cycles who knows when Aunt Flow will show her pretty little face!

Until then “everybodyyyyyy…….shots, shots, shots, shot, shot, shot” Hahaha!

Today’s Appt:

  1. $121.00

Other Expenses:

  1. $100.00 Chiropractic (New Patient Appt)
  2. $40.00 Chiropractic (Adjustment)
  3. $80.00 Acupuncture (New Patient Appt)
  4. $474.00 Medications/Injections/Etc

Total: $694.00

~Bree

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/18/15 2WW Woes
  11. 10/22/15 BETA Day
  12. 11/20/15 Finding Distractions

 

11/20/15 Finding Distractions

11/20/2015(remember these are all back dated journal entries)

Running Total: $16,812*

Its been a month now since we found out our fresh round of IVF failed. I still have bruises……all over my stomach, my thigh and my bum from the multiple shots my husband and I performed on me. The bruises are daily reminders of what we don’t have. What didn’t work. How much money we spent.

How I wish we could go back to the awful progesterone injections. How somehow that would magically make a baby appear.

I am still very angry. They say that anger is one of the stages of grief but I’m not sure where it stems from. I can be thankful that my anger doesn’t spread throughout the household or to others. Though I’m sure it’s not great to hold it all in.

How stupid was I to think this would be so easy. I did the research. I knew the odds. Maybe thought I wasn’t part of those statistics because I’ve already conceived, carried and delivered 3 healthy baby’s. Just put the eggs in and then we’ll be good right? “Proven fertility” is a term the Dr. had used once.

On October 27th Jason and I walked into the IVF clinic to have our “WTF” appointment. Just in case you don’t know that acronym, WTF stands for WHAT THE FUCK! Yes it needs the bold, capital, “shouty” letters with an exclamation point….thats how you say it. LOL. Anyways, this is the appointment where we go talk with the Dr. about what happened, what went wrong, why this didn’t work. This is where we get our answers.

After being at the office almost daily for weeks walking in was so scary to me. All these people who grew to know me. Who hoped and prayed this would all work; they all know it failed. Will they be looking at me with their sad eyes? Will they talk to me or say how “sorry they are”?….I can barely handle being here without crying let alone handle any of that.

Our hour appt with the Dr. was almost pointless. I cried the entire time. Everyone (again) is so “surprised” we weren’t on the other side. (insert my angry face) He has no answers that I was looking for, there ARE no answers. Oh wait..sorry the answer is “sometimes it just doesn’t work out and we don’t know why”. Not really what you’re looking for when you show up with so many questions.

We talk about whats next. About our frozen embryos, how a frozen cycle works, the cost, the meds, schedule, etc. Thats our next move and we still have 4 great quality eggs on ice. The Dr is very hopeful, all I feel is doubt.

After we leave Jason and I discuss what we would like to do with our next round. I still need some time to get my head back into thinking positivly instead of thinking that “none of those dumb eggs will work either“. We also have the holidays and since our failed round I’ve buried myself in work. Its been a nice distraction from everything, though being crazy with work eventually turns bad. Work piles up, I neglect my family to hide away and edit and stress goes to an all new level! *sigh*

Today’s Appt:

  1. FREE (it damn well should be)

Until next time!

~B

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/18/15 2WW Woes
  11. 10/22/15 BETA Day

10/22/15 BETA Day

10/22/2015(remember these are all back dated journal entries)

Running Total: $16,812*

The morning of 10/20/2015  was a complete blur. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Today is BETA Day aka we find out if we’re pregnant! Though I have a horrible sinking feeling that we won’t get the news we want. That doesn’t stop us from being crazy hopeful! I keep clinging to the Blue Line Test showing a faint positive. Positive mind! Positive outcome right?…RIGHT!

Right off the bat the nurse asks me “so, any ideas?”….I cry. *sigh*

Dang you Bree, why is it always water works with you here. It’s like she saw right through me, knew my thoughts, my doubts, knows I’m scared. Now I see why they have tissues everywhere in this damn office. I’m obvuiosly not the only one.

Pinch and she’s done. So anti climatic. Now we wait for their phone call.

Since we want to be together when we get the news, we decide to wait until Jason gets home before we answer the call or listen to the voicemail.

Alllllllllllllllllllllllllll daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay loooooooooooooooooong, waiting, waiting and waiting for the phone to ring…for it not to ring but to ring and then not to ring. Feeling that sinking feeling get stronger and stronger but trying to shove that back down. I wish they’d call. NO, I don’t want them to call. Ugh!

He walks in and 15 minutes later the phone rings.

Its the office.

It rings again.

I can’t move.

And again.

“Are you going to answer that?” he asks.

“No!”

Last ring.

*deep breathe*

Waiting for that voicemail tone has never taken so long.

Finally it chimes, I place the phone on speaker and we sit and listen.

“Hi Bree, this is so and so from the office………………….unfortunately this is not the call I was hoping to make. Your pregnancy test came back negative. Go ahead and discontin…..”

I stopped listening. I knew it hadn’t worked. Had that feeling, that sinking feeling. We don’t talk.

I cry.

~B

Todays Appt:

  1. Blood Draw: $14
  2. Labs: $86

Total Today: $100

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/18/15 2WW Woes

10/18/15 2WW Woes

10/18/2015(remember these are all back dated journal entries)

Running Total: $16,712*

Our Beta is just days away and I am getting really nervous! Yet another waiting game and this one has been the worst!

My husband is amazing and bought me a good stash of at home pregnancy tests (hpt)! I decided to start testing on day 4 after transfer to make sure my trigger was fully out of my system. You do this because the trigger shot that we took to stimulate ovulation carries HCG in it. HCG is the same chemical that is naturally produced by the implanted embyro signally to your body that you are pregnant.

Day 4 (4 days after my egg transfer) my trigger was still faint so I tested again the next day and nothing. This is good, it does not mean anything. It’s way to early to even be testing to see if were pregnant yet. Though that didn’t stop me from testing every day after hahhaaha!!! Peeing on a stick is shockingly addicting.

Once you start testing….you can’t stop! Like seriously, can NOT stop, its a problem!

Day 6 (6 days after transfer) I got a super, super faint, like super faint line! OMG! We’re pregnant! OMG! I knew this would work!!! Its freaking THERE! Can you see it!?!?!?!

2012-07-14004

WELLLLLLL….after freaking out to my bff I learned that the blue line tests can not be reliable! WHAT?!?!?! The blue color dye can “run” into where the “positive” line should be showing a false positive.

Sooooo what do you do???? What else…. buy MORE tests! Pee on more sticks!!!

Day 7, 8 and 9 all Negative, no line. I’m now loosing faith…fast, I feel like now this didn’t work. I know its still too early, could still be too early. “But the blue line test” is all I can think back to hold me from drowning in my doubt. It was there, is there. Now I know why people choose to not test. I could pee on a any stick day and night, hour by hour just hoping to see a different result.

Our Beta…aka our blood test to confirm pregnancy is just a few days away. Just gotta make it to then.

Until next time….I’m still over here peeing on everything!

~B

*rounded number

Blog Posts to come per reader request: IVF vs Tubal Reversal, The Cost of IVF

Need to catch up? Here are the IVF related posts in order:

  1. The Start
  2. 8.20.2015 First IVF Consult
  3. 9/9/15 IVF Drugs & Discounts
  4. 9/15/2015 Meds, Labs, Ultrasounds, Money “OH my”
  5. 9/17/15 Injection Training!!!
  6. 9/25/2015 Day 3 is HERE!
  7. 9/28/15 WTF Lead Follicle Problems
  8. 10/3/2015 Trigger
  9. 10/8/2015 Egg Retrieval Day!
  10. 10/11/2015 Embryo Report